so much beauty.

With everything beautiful that is happening and about to happen I can't help but think of my dad. He's always on my mind but now more than ever. I'm flooded with feelings, memories, and disappointments. It's like my emotions are on steroids right now. To give you an example of how ridiculous I've been these days: I cried during the movie Ted when I thought the douchey, misogynist, stoner teddy bear was going to "die". Seriously? What is that? 

I remember when he passed away in 2004, I was back home alone in my apartment in LA and realized that he wasn't going to be present for my future wedding, as well as other life milestones.

I have never been, and believe it or not, still am not this big wedding enthusiast. While it is a momentous occasion in one's life, I do think there are greater achievements than getting married. But for some reason thinking of my dad not being with me on this day when I was 23 released an emotional reservoir. I felt somewhat safe after many failed relationships, figuring I'd remain single forever (I know, how dramatic) and wouldn't have to deal with this hurt, this reminder. But now it's here and it's just sad. I want so much to just talk to him about everything...but I can't. To let out some of these emotions I went to the park and appreciated the beauty that I have at my fingertips. Paris has been tough with me, as well as some aspects of life, but nothing that these shoulders can't handle.

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what has happened, but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world."

The final installment of my "enterrement de la vie de jeune fille"
My dad and I went to Central Park every Saturday to ride the carousel.


  1. Aww, glad you could find a carousel so you could still enjoy your day 'with' him. Hope the big day goes well!

  2. That sadness is normal, and a part of us, especially at times like this. Your Dad will be watching over you on your wedding day, and he will love that you are happy.

  3. I don't doubt that your dad will be there in spirit next Saturday:) I'm sure he's very proud of your free spirit and resilience:)

    Hugs xxxx

  4. Sending you lots of love and hugs from Aus!! xx

  5. AnonymousMay 13, 2013

    I often go out for a walk when I'm having these feelings as well. We are surrounded by so much beauty; it does good to appreciate what's here to balance out the things we're missing. It has been hard for me to imagine having a wedding with having "no family" either.. I do have a family, they're just not blood-related. I have kept myself from celebrating life in the past due to these issues, as well as having ideal visions of what things 'should' be. Things are improving! Sometimes those who've had it rough are the ones who can truly appreciate and savor the good stuff! Lovely photos on the carousel!

  6. *hugs* I lost my dad when I was 8, and it has always been really really sad for me to think that he won't be able to give me a way if I were to ever get married.

    I'm sure you're dad will still be with you on your big day!

  7. Aw, this is too sweet. He's with you now and always, and I can only imagine how proud he is <3

  8. As the others have said, he is with you now and he is very proud of you and the life you have chosen to lead. He has to be proud. You are truly an original, just look at the strength and determination you have to move to Paris and start a life that most people would only dream of. For that you should be proud and I know as a parent he is too!!

  9. Even though I'm a firm believer that your father will always be with you, I understand your sadness, Ella. There are times when we want/need our parents by our side. Do you have something of his that you can wear while walking down the aisle?

    Hugs, Mary Kay

  10. You look so happy and beautiful in your manège photos! It's lovely you found a way to honour and include your dad and I'm sure he would be super proud to see the person you've become. At the last wedding I went to, both the bride and groom had lost a parent, but they were still very much present in spirit and I'm sure your dad will be too x

  11. Oh this post is so poignant. I also still miss my dad at key moments in my life and when I look at my children and grandchildren that he missed. . Grief has a funny way of suddenly reminding us that it is still there at the most unexpected moments. But that is the other side of love.

    I am sure he will be with you in spirit as others have said. Good idea to have something of your dads with you on the day.

    He would want you to be happy... and I love the way you have of dealing with your sadness, to go and find some beauty in thee world..... I will remember that.

    Love Deniise

  12. It's funny how the dead pop up at the oddest of times. Good that you grabbed the grief by the balls and went to the park -- and on a carrousel no less!

    One of the most memorable moments of my wedding was during the dinner, after several bottles had been imbibed by yours truly. A relative who'd come to beaulieu from Hawaii to represent my father bid farewell and for some reason saying goodbye to him was really painful. My best friend (whose father and my father had been best friends, and who had lost her father the same year I lost mine at 21 - so we're as close as blood) and I went to an out of the way toilet and cried our eyes out with all the hysteria that a few bottles of alcohol can bring. We were crouching above the cat litter (it was at her parent's villa). Didn't really say a thing, though we knew it was for our dead fathers. and then felt perfectly fine and returned to the party.

    Anyway, of course you're missing your father right now. But how very very very lovely that you're also looking at the beauty around you.

    Do you have "It's the Final Count Down" on permanent loop in your head? I did. Have a blast, my lovely. And try to remember everything!

  13. Beautifully written post! And that is one of my all time favorite quotes. I actually just wrote a post about it. And how perfect for what your feeling right now.