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spring fever.



The complaining is finally over, spring has arrived here in Paris and the city is in full bloom! Thank God. Making up for all of those hours, sometimes days spent cooped up in my apartment, I am making up for lost time and taking every opportunity to spend just a few more minutes outdoors.

It's a good thing I work with kids because being outdoors is a vessel in which they thrive best. Before classes, I release them at their school's park for twenty minutes before returning to their homes for their dreaded English lessons. It's also been an unsuccessful ploy to get them to release some of that pent-up energy that seems to explode at the end of the day. But they are just as wild as they were in the park, if not more because toys, snacks, and iPads are within their reach. They're 3, mind you.

But back to the park. I'm not the only one who wants to let the children roam free; the park is packed with other kids, parents and au pairs from the school. One child, thankfully not under my custody, thought it would be grand to pull the alarmingly bright red lever that was attached to a pipe alongside the facade of the school's building. With a quick yank, a force of water shot out at full speed and launched a 20-pound child who had the misfortune of standing directly in the line of fire - or rather, water. They kid went flying. Like, flying across the park. This tiny little thing. He must have been pushed out about ten feet, looking like a stunt baby being shot out of a canon. Victimized by the force of the water, he was left to lie on the ground completely soaked and helpless. 

Remarkably the boy was left unharmed which reminded me of my mom's favorite expression growing up that "kids bounce", but seriously, poor little guy. One second he was peacefully enjoying the Parisian spring sun, completely dry and mere moments later he's being blasted by a high-pressure water pipe to the other side of the park. With good reason, the kid was pissed and expressed his contempt with howling death screams in the arms of his mother. I was just grateful that it wasn't one of my kids involved...but ah ha! Not so fast. I had my own episode waiting in my foreseeable future. I always do...

Arriving at Franck's home, I set up their books and papers to introduce them to the wonderful world of fruits and the amazing discovery that we say them differently in English. Before I could get them to settle in, there was a disturbance keeping them from concentrating: heard from next door was the neighbor's dog barking.

We're in Paris, the place is run by dogs, but I had to go with them on this because this dog was exceptionally loud.

Leaning my ear against the wall to hear better because the barks sounded a bit strange, revealed, much to my absolute horror, that it was not a dog barking. 

Oh man. Do I even tell you guys this? It's pretty bad.

Through the wall, we heard, quite audibly, a man undoubtedly jerking off. Maybe someone else was doing it, it was a bit hard to discern how many participants were involved, as only one voice was really leading the team to victory. I mean really, this guy was really going to town. The boys thankfully didn't comprehend the reality of the situation and we stuck to the dog story. With their hands cupped to the wall, they joined him in "barking."   There was nothing I could do to divert their interest as they woofed away, pressed up against the wall so the "dog" could hear. Somehow the reverb of barking children didn't seem to disturb the neighbor as he continued letting his dogs out.

Several years of experience has taught me that the noise would die down eventually, and I proceeded with our lesson, putting on my ESL for children CD that includes a song about bananas and coconuts hanging in the tree. Unfortunately, my kids were interested in other bananas and coconuts.

Paris is alive as spring is in full swing with lingering sunny days, warm temperatures, picnics in the park, crowded cafe terraces and why not, masturbating neighbors. Vive le printemps!

25 comments:

  1. I'm laughing out loud here with the barking "dogs"!! You ALWAYS have the best stories to tell :)

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    1. Thanks Sini! My little ones keep me extremely entertained! It's all them, I'm just the audience. I hope you're doing well!

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  2. Funniest story I've heard in a while! I also watch a couple of tykes in the afternoon to help them with their English (they're already fluent but the parents are thinking they'll lose it if they don't use it). I'm not sure what I would do if I heard "barking." All I know is that I will definitely not be the one to explain sex to them. Awkward. haha.

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    1. Hi there and welcome! Thank you so much for commenting. How cool that the kids are already fluent? How? Is it a Franco-Anglo couple?

      Checking out your blog, I see you're new to Paris, welcome! I hope to see you around the blogosphere!

      Thanks again for dropping a note.

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    2. AnonymousMay 07, 2013

      Thanks! I missed your response - sorry for the delay. The kids are actually full-frenchies but they were born in the U.S. and only recently moved back to Paris. They are losing their french rapidly.

      Thanks for the warm welcome!

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  3. Hahaha this made me crack up! "Barking dog," epicccc

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    1. I don't know why the man sounded like that but boy was it LOUD! Hahaha, so gross, right?

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  4. omg! spring fever indeed.

    only you my dear.

    so glad it's warm and flowers are in bloom there..wish I was too..cold and raining here...the sun was out yesterday but it just confused people.

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    1. Oh no spring hasn't sprung over by you yet? April has always been iffy though, and as they say "April showers bring May flowers" : ) !

      Have a nice weekend, Deb! xo.

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  5. I know we are not meant to laugh at others' misfortune but sniggering at the poor boy plummeted by water was unavoidable!

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    1. Usha, once I saw that he was alright, I had to cover my giggles with my scarf! When he was catapulted across the park, it really was cinematic, a live slap-stick comedy. I'm still chuckling...

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  6. LOL!!!

    My... The neighbour must be commended on his technique. Evidently, he was doing something right:)

    Now that's the spirit!:))

    Oh the innocence of childhood:)

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    1. Omg, the neighbor was certainly getting his rocks off. I've heard neighbors having sex but never sounds like this. I was picturing him wearing like a wolf's costume because there was almost a hallow echo to his panting. So so so so so gross!!!!

      The kids were so cute, they truly thought it was a dog barking on the other side of the wall. I was grateful. : )

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  7. ROFLMAO. I know it's mean to laugh at the bouncing baby, but really, those things only ever happen in films, you would just have to enjoy it being lived out in real life!

    The bananas and coconuts finished me off ;o)

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    1. Exactly. There was a cinematic quality to the event that I couldn't help but secretly laugh at. The water hit his puffy coat (he was bundled up for some reason) and not his face, and the ground was that foamy tarp they have in playgrounds so kids don't get hurt. So if he were to be blasted by water anywhere, it was there.

      Did you have a chance to hear the dumb song? These are the songs that echo in my brain when I'm trying to sleep! So awful!

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  8. Ha ! One of the funniest things I have heard in a long time! Thanks!

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  9. AHAHA! Thank goodness they're not middle school or highschool kids!!!

    Yes, Spring is here! (It's raining today though, but good thing b/c the pollen levels made me real sick with allergy-symptoms this week!)

    ... I didn't get to comment on your last post- I'm so glad that you had a sweet bachelorette luncheon!! I loved that you shared some deets on it! Looked and sounded fantastic! xxoo

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    1. Omg, if they were middle school kids, I would have felt extremely uncomfortable, because they would know what was up and I would have felt guilty by extension.

      Is it warm by you? Here, the weather has been ping-ponging between cool, cold and really warm, but the sun has been out, so I'm grateful!

      The bachelorette lunch was so special! The ladies put together a lovely afternoon. I'm lucky to know such great gals here!

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  10. Oh god (as the barking man may have said), so glad they weren't old enough to catch on! And what was the high-pressure hose for??

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    1. Yes, so glad that didn't catch on to what was really happening! I never know with these guys. They're constantly surprising me. Their new favorite expression is just saying "sexy lady" over and over, which they're repeating from Gangnam Style. It cracks me up.

      It wasn't so much a hose as it was just a pipe that blasts water out. It was along the side of the school, so I can imagine it's for safety, in case a fire starts? No clue, really. I hadn't noticed it until this incident!

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  11. Just as I was recovering from laughing at the flying water child (I'm a horrible person, I know), you had to throw in the masturbating dog-man. Dying over here!

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    1. He was safe and appearingly unharmed, so I guess that makes it okay to laugh? Hahaha no, we're horrible people. : P

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  12. Hilarous. !!!

    one thing I have learned from staying in Paris apartments is that the French do not make love quietly either on their own or with others, especially at weekends or on public holidays!...... and they have never heard of health and safety.

    A very educational lesson for your children.

    Enjoy the sunshine,

    Love Denise

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  13. I have to admit that if I saw that kid fly through the air on a stream of water I would have laughed for days!

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