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Venus in Furs.


Last night was gorgeous. I was lying on a soft bed with satin sheets, surrounded by furs, with a light breeze coming through the window. It was my total boudoir fantasy come to life! I felt like Marilyn Monroe in one of her many bed photo shoots (Remember when Lindsay Lohan attempted to recreate that? Gross.). I wanted to toss and turn dramatically, but something was stopping me, my neck was being confined by the furs, making it difficult for me to move.

...and then I woke up.

I was not Marilyn. There were no satin sheets. And I did not feel sassy and sexy. I felt gross. With stinging, groggy eyes, a pounding head, wearing an old house dress, and still caressing what I assumed was my mother's fur stole that I had fallen asleep with, I came back to the reality of the harsh morning. Perhaps I may have celebrated my anniversary and the 4th a little too hard, and thought putting on fur in July was a good idea. Then I remembered, my mother doesn't have a fur stole and neither do I, but the fur was so soft and felt so real. Was I hallucinating? When I went to remove it from my neck, it began to make noises and I felt little prickles, like tiny pins, digging into me...

Per my mom's report, this is what happened last night...

I came home from the 4th of July firework extravaganza hosted by the Long Island Italian Heritage Society, spoke to Séb in Paris who was just getting up for work, went for a dip in my mom's blow-up pool where I flopped around like an idiot, and then grabbed not one but two of the stray baby kittens from the backyard, and passed out with them nestled under my neck...in my bedroom. I'm so not this kind of drinker, I always remember what happened...clearly not last night. I had spent the day sitting out in the sun, sipping on Campari and Pellegrinos. Perhaps the mix of the sun and my favorite summer cocktail dehydrated me, turning me into a complete and total maniac. In a drunken stupor, I slept with wild animals on me! Who does that? It was like a loser girl version of The Hangover. I don't remember doing any of this, not even the phone call to Séb!

The kittens just looked back at me, looked at their luxury surroundings with the morning sun bleeding through the cracks of the blinds, and began to mini meow. They wanted out; released from my shackles of love. My mom then opened the door, looked at me with disapproval, and in her thick Long Island accent called me an a-hole. She gently took each kitten off my neck to release them back into the wild. Upon opening our front door, we were greeted with an unhappy mama cat who was standing at the porch waiting to retrieve her babies from the drunk slut who stole them last night. Hashtag me.

Now for the serious part, every summer, my mother has a kitten population in her backyard. Capturing them is the easy part, finding them a happy home is not. She has put ads on Craigslist, but after she received an e-mail from a creep who had an e-mail address referencing the terrifying band Gwar, and who wanted to feed the kittens to his snake, she took the ad down. She has brought them to shelters, no one will take them, one guard even went as far to say that they will be euthanized if she left them there. We have also offered them to friends on Facebook and have been successful, but not always. Is there a better way we can control this? No one wants these little angels.

The lesson of the week is three (or more) hours of Campari cocktails, a blazing sun, fireworks, and a pack of adorable baby kittens may not mean much to some, but to me, it's a dangerous combination, never to be repeated again. I'm just glad that they didn't die on me (literally on me) and that their mother took them back even with the scent of human on them. I'm so embarrassed, but hey, at least I didn't drunk dial someone I wasn't supposed to! Anything was possible last night!

I hope everyone had a fabulous 4th, and will have an even more fabulous weekend! I heard the sun has made its way over to Paris! Enfin! Profitez-en!


Wouldn't you just scoop up these little juice monsters too?!
That's some next level cuteness.

What happened a year ago today? The beginning of my living hell

14 comments:

  1. Whew, glad I wasn't the only one doing a little too much celebrating for the country that we don't even really live in anymore! And doubly glad those little furballs are still breathing...

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    1. Nope, it wasn't just you! It's summer..it's okay to let loose a bit! Next time, I'll keep the kittens out of my celebration. Their mother was not thrilled. : )

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  2. Mineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!:))) (That's my pet name for my hubby:)
    Darling, you're a scandal!;)

    I wish you'd record your mom saying "asshole" and post the link on your page!:) How's that for a soundtrack?;)

    I don't know about you, but I love the Universe when I'm tipsy:) I'm a very loving drunk:)

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    1. Too cute, right? Little angels! Look at those faces!!

      She needs a soundtrack. I have to start recording her. She's come out with some good lines here in BA!

      Yes, I'm like you, a jolly drunk. Just not with tequila...with that stuff anything goes!

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  3. First 50 Shades of Grey, now Venus in Furs, I see a trend developing! Those kittehs are sooooo cute! I wants to pats them and loves them

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    1. Hahahaha you got me! Let's read that damn book so we can trash it together!

      Aren't they such munchkins!? I'll ship them to you, Gwan! Good idea? Kidding, they aren't up for grabs anymore because they're too fast for me. They've grown so quickly...except for the little grey one (bottom pic) who doesn't seem to be growing at all. He must be the runt of the litter. Poor guy.

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  4. I love this story. ;) I'm just imagining you stealing kittens for pillows.

    CONGRATULATIONS on deciding to PACS!!!! I just got through updating myself on your life (I've been a little MIA from the internet since I got back to the US)! I'm so excited for you and Séb!! You deserve happiness and it looks like you've found it.

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    1. Thanks MCJ! We're excited for the PACS. We're going through the paper work now and will set out rdv soon!

      I must head over to your blog and see what's going on with you. It's been a while! I hope you're enjoying your summer!

      Thank you again for your sweet comments. From me..and the little kitties! : )

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  5. AnonymousJuly 06, 2012

    If you can find a way to bring one to France I will adopt it :-) !!!! hahaha
    They're so cute!! My parents have 5 cats plus take care of 3 (or more) ferrels. I have my dad's soft spot for furry animals, especially cats. If I lose it on day (it's possible!) I'll def end up a crazy cat lady. Hey, I'll be happy at least!

    Love the story & I love spritz in the summer thanks to my Venice trip introducing it to me (Aperol though hehe).

    I didn't do anything for the 4th -- just walked up to the Bastille (which is always nice).
    One day I may wake up with a marmotte.. after getting drunk at another bbq in the Vercors..!
    :-O

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    1. They're no longer available! These little guys are so fast now! They no longer waddle around the patio like little fluff balls, they are growing and are able to escape from my love.

      Nothing wrong with being a cat lady! Although some may disagree! My mom is scared of that, so she doesn't allow us to own more than two at a time. At the moment, there's only one in the house, and she's fine with that.

      I love that you go to so many bbqs where you are. In Paris, I never go to bbqs! Dommage!

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  6. AnonymousJuly 07, 2012

    Too funny. The fireworks must have knocked you out! Yes, that's it... I don't think of Campari and sodas as that strong. Am glad you reminded me of them though, as I haven't had one in years and love the bitterness.

    On the kitty front perhaps your mum could print out a small advert with some adorable photos and post them in school lobbies with a specific email address made for selling them?

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    1. Isn't that a great summer cocktail! You're right, they're not that strong but I had a few, the sun was hot, and I was happy..so I guess that's how the kittens got involved.

      I really don't remember taking them, which is so unlike me..I generally remember everything from the night before. I guess there's a first (and hopefully last) for everything.

      We're working on finding them a happy home, but the more we see them outside, the more we think they're happy to be out there. Plus they are way too fast for us!!! We can't pick them up like we could last week! We'll figure it out when we get back from BA...

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  7. Why is mama cat not spayed? That would solve the problem of bringing more innocent cats into this world that no one wants, or that may fall into the very wrong hands.

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    1. She's a stray and unlike the kittens, she's fast! We couldn't scoop her up as easily as the babies. Naturally, spaying the cats was our first thought but also, the "mama cat" changes every season that it's not always easy to tell exactly who give birth to the kitties.

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