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Ain't It Funny?


I didn't forget that we have some unfinished business in regard to the follow up to the MF e-mail! With the excitement of the radio show, the warm weather, some unexpected personal things, and preparing to get back to P-Town, I've been a bit tied up. But I'm back, okay so where did we leave off?

"He wrote back a day later and this is when my heart just crumbled..."

Ah, that's right! Okay, so when I said that I crumbled which some of you really did not like, I meant that it struck a chord. It doesn't mean that I plan on recanting my decision to keep him at a distance, believe me when I say that I stand firm in that.

Going back over a year ago, I spent one last weekend alone in his apartment in Oberkampf while my landlady was preparing my chambre de bonne that I was moving into that following Monday. That weekend in my soon-to-be former apartment was just awful. I spent it in bed, holding back tears, drinking wine, packing, and watching Dawson's Creek (Season One). It was also the same weekend that Phil's little masterminded plan to get my friends to turn their backs on me worked like magic, so I was truly alone. But as down and out as I was, I fought the urge to feel sorry for myself. I was in survival mode and wallowing in my own pity wasn't going to give me the strength and energy that I very much needed to excel. I saved those pathetic moments for the following pre-blog weeks. Before I left the apartment on that cool spring morning, I wrote MF a letter telling him that I love him and will always be there for him. I put the note in a yellow tin box that was under the sink in his kitchen, and left with half of my belongings en route to my new home.


Only as of recent did he find this note, and I believe him.


I figured he had found it last year and just ignored it, but I guess he really didn't have a need to look in that box, and it took him over a year later to receive it. This is why I was sad, not because I miss him but because today that letter is null and void. I don't feel that way for him anymore, and I'm not here for him. That's the job of someone else. Courage!

I told him on that final day standing on rue Jean-Pierre Timbaud waiting for my cab, to really think about this decision because I knew he was going to regret it. Now the moment has come and it's too damn late. I hate when the exes come around way after the fact. You think when you are in the throws of the heartbreak that it will be satisfying to reject them when this moment happens, but it's not, it's just sad. There are so many emotions that you struggle with. There's feeling melancholy for yet another lost love, validated that you were a good partner and the break-up was unnecessary, sorry for their regret, and proud that you have truly moved on.

It wasn't until I met Seb that I realized that I could be in a fulfilling relationship while still focusing on my own growth and progress. Who would have thought!? With MF, I was constantly trying to improve the relationship, so much that I was letting go of myself. I didn't realize when writing that letter that I was so much better off without him. Now spending over a year working on myself, it's as clear as day that there is no room for him. It's funny how clouded we are when we are in the thick of a situation. It is only when you truly step back from it, that you find clarity. That is why any break-up specialist will urge a 60 day no-contact rule, which should not be confused into tricking them to get them back, but rather to get yourself back.

While I feel sorry for the regret he is going through over his rash decision, there is still no apology. He simply cannot admit that how he treated me was wrong and this is why he will never be in my life again. After letting his words marinate a bit in my mind, I had to get out. It was all too heavy, and I admit that I was feeling terrible. When I got in the car, this song was on the radio...

 

How apropos! This just cracked me up! Seriously when was the last time you heard this song on the radio?! The spirit of Jenny from the block was clearly with me because if anyone knows what it's like to go through a break-up, it's this broad! I feel better already, thanks Jen! Yes, "Jen" we're like that now...it's a New York thing.

Bon week-end!

What was going on a year ago today? This! This was an awful one....

12 comments:

  1. I had an MF story years ago. I too was overseas, broke, young and painfully lonely. When you talk about your story, it somehow brings mine up... and a few months back, he wrote me. He's still alone and pathetic, and I realize that he still brings me down. It angers me that he will never admit to having used and abused me, let alone apologize for it, so I finally blocked his email and it'll stay blocked. I feel a hell of a lot better. I feel free.

    I'll tell you all about it when we're in the same town, be it Paris or NYC;) I'll probably be in both places at some point this year:)

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    1. Thank you for understanding why I revisit this story plot from time to time. It takes time to work through something like this, and just because you look back doesn't mean you're staring.

      A core group of my readers aren't gals in Paris, in fact they are heart-broken women who are fresh in a break-up and feel hopeless. That's where I come in, to share my story and sometimes it helps. Nothing makes my day more than receiving a thank you email.

      So thank you Duchess for getting me. : ) We've been there, and there's no harm in venting about it.

      Yes, we will meet one of these days for gossip and such! Je te jure! xo.

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    2. Actually, seeing your story mirror mine showed me what a long way I've come... and just how abusive and insidious my relationship with my MF had been... and how little I need him and the likes of him in my life. So your story's inspired me to do some Spring cleaning (and trust me, there's been a lot of that in the past several years!;)) So I thank you too:)

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  2. hi Ella..hi Duchesse...I think we've all been there...and don't take this the wrong way Ella but linking back to a year ago at the end of each post is sort of (to me) like not being able to let it go....do you really care about it all now?...

    moving on....

    bon weekend mes amies.

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  3. Interesting way to look at it, but I would have to say I that disagree. I didn't even think of it that way. I do it because I love seeing the progress in my life...with or without a break-up. That, and I only had one reader a year ago (hi Duchess!) and a lot of those posts are lost. It helps new readers who are interested in the story read back without overwhelming them with over 100 posts.

    I will link back a year ago in a year from now, it has very little to do with the break-up.

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  4. I love the "what was happening a year ago today" thing (and have considered stealing the idea!) The first time I saw it, I thought it had some sort of link into the day's post, but now I see it's just a way of getting people back into the archives which is great for all of us except Duchesse who haven't been reading from the beginning.

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    1. Thanks Gwan! I thought it was a fun way to see what was happening a year ago. I guess I'm nostalgic to a fault! I still read back on my diaries from high school which always cracks me up. I was such a boring teenager!

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  5. AnonymousJune 17, 2012

    After this amount of time passes, when there is no-chance-in-hell you would fathom reuniting with the ex, they always come back 'changed', realizing you were the one. This has happened to me, more than once. I've heard this before with my best friend. You respond with a big No, with a particular essence of no feelings, as there are no longer any, and they get it and fade away. It's the final point when the book is closed.

    Read your "year from now" post too!

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    1. Thanks, D. I can't help but feel bad. I'm just sensitive like that. I don't want anyone feeling bad because of me. You know?

      But he'll be fine. I know that.

      I'm also PMSing right now. ; )

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  6. I'm going to be super corny right now but all I can say is, YOU GO GIRL!

    Upwards and onwards, upwards and onwards!

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    1. Thanks! Not corny at all!! Very uplifting. Bon voyage, Miss!!

      xo.

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