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Day 306: Try Not to Kill Your Boyfriend!!


Forget the models! Try not to murder the man you sleep next to! I love Aurelien, I truly do and we've made it to ten months without any problems, hiccups or red flags, but sometimes he does really stupid things. He may be 95% perfect but he's still a man and sometimes they just can't help it...

Aurelien every so often has what I call "senior moments" where I know he means no harm, but he just doesn't think. For instance, last November, we were on our way to a party when he mentioned that the theme was black and white. I was wearing purple plaid. Do you know how dumb I felt being in a room full of guests elegantly donning black and/or white and I'm in a bright purple wool plaid dress? I looked like I was auditioning for a community theater production of Oklamhoma. I looked like an ass. His defense was that he had told me three weeks earlier, but instead of fighting with me like MF would have, he admitted that he could have reminded me (or as I say, told me) and made things right by keeping my champagne glass full - for the entire night.

Well this morning, Monsieur Senior struck again. It's been November since I've seen him and was starting to wonder when he'd pop up again. I guess today was the day. After a delicious twelve hours of straight sleep, I woke up feeling refreshed with clear eyes and radiant skin and went to the bathroom. Within milliseconds of sitting, I nearly jumped off the toilet from the excruciating pain that instantly zapped me out of my morning haze. I had a freaking urinary tract infection. How inconvenient. Incidentally, I just had an e-mail exchange with another blogger about gynecologists here in France and was telling her that I have never gone to one here. Look how much can change in a matter of hours. Incroyable!

Aurelien was in his office getting ready for work when I came in and told him about my lady parts problem. Being the amazing guy that he is (senior moments or not), he offered to take me to his doctor that was around the corner for support. I appreciated this because doctors, in general, make me nervous, but having to explain everything in French terrified me. Who wants to talk about their ill nana in French? Certainly not me. Before we headed out, Aurelien called his office to tell them that he would be coming in after lunch and then added, it was because his "girlfriend's vagina was not well".

For real.

Did he tell Marie, the receptionist that my vagina wasn't well? No. Marion, the intern? No. But Raoul, his robust, middle-aged co-worker who talks with his mouth full and per Aurelien, always has stains on his shirt after his greasy lunches that stink up the office. So my doctor, my boyfriend and Raoul know that my vagina is not bien. Ça va pas!

I could have killed him. Okay, okay, maybe it's not that big a deal, I guess just didn't want Raoul or anyone in Aurelien's office thinking about my vagina or acknowledging that I even have one. Is that asking too much? 

The visit went well and was in and out in under 30 minutes. The doctor was gentle, direct, spoke clearly for me, gave me my medicine and it was....free. You hear that America...free! Okay, well not exactly free. We pay for this every month, 50% taxes, so...

On my way out, I ignored his hand that he had extended in an attempt to shake mine and went in for the kill. I gave him a hug, which I could sense he found somewhat disarming, but I just couldn't resist. He was so cute and was giving me free stuff like healthcare, that I had no choice but to love him.

As Aurelien and I were parting ways outside of the pharmacy, with him going to work and me returning to the apartment to take a bath, he had asked, "So are you still planning on coming by the office after work to go to dinner straight from there?" No, mon chéri, me and my vagina (because we're sort of a package deal) will not be going to your office...anytime soon. 

24 comments:

  1. LOL! It reminds me of when Stephane told all of his colleagues that I wasn't at a party because I had diarrhea. Being an honest Swiss, it never occurred to him to tell a little white lie to save me from embarrassment -- and to save his colleagues from too much information about the state of my intestines!

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    1. Oh la la!!!

      This comment has had me laughing all night. As I was just about to fall asleep, I thought of your husband innocently telling his colleagues the reason for your absence and it started all over again and I was laughing out loud!

      This is just too funny! I can only imagine his colleagues faces!!

      Did you ever see these people again?

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  2. Did your vagina receive any get well flowers? Not sure which is funnier Séb's total honesty or this line "in and out in under 30 minutes."

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    1. When I wrote that line and read it back, I thought "hmmm, that sounds kind of sexual," and blew it off as me being someone who has a mind in the gutter and didn't think anyone else would notice....I guess I'm not the only one! : )

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  3. I so would have just about died from embarrassment if my boyfriend did that.

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    1. As soon as I heard him say that, I turned beet red and was jumping up and down signaling him to hang up in fear that he'd go into further detail like "well she says it hurts when she pees..."

      Men...

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    2. Elle est allergique aux bites! Elle est allergique aux bites!:)

      Sorry, Darling, just couldn't resist;)

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  4. OMG!! No he didn't! LOL. Men always speak before they think and give out way TMI.

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  5. N'importe quoi!!! : )

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    1. LOL, yes! I didn't want him to think that I was making fun of him behind his back, so I let him read this one post which he got a kick out of.

      He was impressed with my accurate description of Raoul! He was like "You really do listen to me bitch when I come home from work!"

      Now the blog is off limits to him again!

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  6. OH NO!!!! I am turning red for you!! Where are the little white lies when you need them?

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    1. Seb is honest to a fault sometimes, and this is a perfect example! But he's so fantastic everywhere else that I can never be mad at him for too long!

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  7. Ahahahhaha! Hilarious! I totally understand that you don't want Raoul and his grease stains knowing all about your "ill na na."

    p.s. Loved that you used "ill na na", you are such an NY girl and I love it!

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    1. LOL! I'm a Foxy Brown girl..I'm "hood" like that. Ok, so not, I just love Foxy Brown! I'm so happy you picked up on my little throw back reference to 90's hip hop!

      Very cool. : )

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  8. Dear Vagina,

    Why so blue?;) (Remember that SATC episode?;)

    BTW, have you seen the Vagina Monologues?

    What's wrong with simply saying : "Je dois emmener ma copine chez le médecin?";)) TMI, Seb!;)

    You sure Seb doesn't have Tourette's?;)

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    1. I was TOTALLY thinking about this episode when I was sitting in the waiting room! The vagina diary! I love that episode!!

      I was hoping he'd say that or that I was just "malade"but no, he had to go into detail...with Raoul. Eww, Raoul!!

      And yes, I have see the VM..several times!

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  9. Eek! Still, he gets points for being sweet and going with you at least. Told you - not that bad, as these things go :)

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    1. Yeah, it was fine! I still have to go to a follow up for something else in NY (the scary visit) but this was a good first step!

      Thanks for your e-mail!

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    2. Before you take of your clothes, just make sure you're not at the dermatologist's this time;))

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  10. Oh dear, well serious bonus point for Seb for taking care of you! I admit, I'm normally jealous of you ladies with French partners that can go with them to doctor's appointments and other French related matters, but not this time Ella. I might have to face the fear by myself, but at least no coworkers will know about the state of my vagina!

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  11. I'm late to the comment game because I saw you right after I read this... but reread this morning. I love that the translation of what he said is "her vagina is not well" not well? that's such a silly way to say it! And I second Duchesse...that is the funniest SATC episode when Charlotte's like, 'I think it's ugly.' hahaha. As of now, I know the antibiotic has kicked in and all is well with the world. and your vagina.

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  12. OMG THIS POST HAD ME IN STITCHES!!! I could not stop rolling over laughing.

    Sorry for my late replies; I am trying to catch up on all the Ella Coquine reading I've unfortunately missed from years prior!

    Milla

    (http://www.littlepiecesoflight.com/)

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