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Day 290: Feel Fugs.

Illustration by Kate Rodgers

Taking advantage of a warm February morning in Southern California, I walked down to the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf to soak up some sun on the terrace facing out onto Santa Monica Boulevard. Sipping on my iced soy vanilla latte and daydreaming, letting my eyes drift down the boulevard, a woman who had just parked her car, locked eyes with me and began to approach me. She was well-groomed, fashioning acquired red hair, and was quite sleek, in her fitted button down shirt that was tucked into her slim pencil skirt.

As she was walking towards me in her sky-high, open-toe sling-backs, I started getting both a little nervous and confused. I didn't understand who she was or how she knew me and then it hit me. I knew what this was about. There was no other explanation than the fact that I was in the process of getting discovered - finally. Oh my, this was my big moment! Clearly she a casting agent who was blinded by my radiant beauty and simply could not wait for a second longer before casting me in a role opposite Ryan "schwing" Gosling. 

If it wasn't that, then obviously she recognized me in one of my many challenging roles as an extra. Perhaps it was my memorable role as "High school Girl at Locker #13" in The O.C or my honest portrayal as "Party Girl at Black Jack Table #6" on the show, Las Vegas, who knows but all of those years of early call times, anorexic paychecks and living off 99 cent store canned food was going to finally pay off at this very moment. They say that sometimes you have to leave Hollywood to break into it.

Truer words have never been spoken...

Big Red arrived at my table and wasted no time before launching into her greeting, "Hi there!" she said with a radiant smile as the sun reflected off of her copper locks. I returned her cheer with a hello and anxiously leaned forward waiting for her big pitch, "Are you Yasmine?" she asked as she helped herself to the empty chair at my table, confident that I was in fact, Yasmine. I wasn't Yasmine, for Ryan I could be Yasmine but what would I do when the real Yasmine comes in and blows my cover. In my early 20's, I would have somehow made this work in my favor but as I get older, my knack for playful b.s has slowed down with age where I accept defeat almost immediately.

"No, I'm not," I confessed with regret. Her face fell with slight disappointment, she then apologized for disturbing me and promptly took the vacant table to my left. Why couldn't I just be Yasmine? I had imagined Yasmine to be the epitome of perfection, the girl everyone wanted to be, the girl who was not me.

Several minutes later, Big Red perked up and waved her hand as from what I could only assume was the real Yasmine. Yasmine was about ten years older than me, had about 50 pounds on me, and looked exhausted and worn out.

That I wasn't expecting...

Eavesdropping on their conversation, I quickly learned that Yasmine had hired Big Red as a weight-loss and image transformation consultant (only in LA) to help her shed her post-pregnancy weight and to get her "groove back". Yes, this was said. Yasmine, at one point, told Big Red that she wasn't at all surprised that she had recognized her with the description that she had given to her over the phone, instructing her to look for the "fat, tired and haggard woman". I must have reacted to this because Big Red, who glanced my way, suggested that they take their conversation inside.

Ok, so I didn't put make-up on this morning and yes, I have a few pounds of framboise macaron, Bordeaux and baked camembert weight on me, but mistaking me for a sleep deprived, "haggard" woman who just had a baby?! Come on! I don't look that bad, I mean my clothes still fit...ish.

And if I didn't already feel fat, I received an e-mail from the fashion house that I am working at during Paris Fashion Week, informing me that the dresses that we are required to wear in the showroom have arrived. They wanted to know if they should set aside an extra-small or a small for me. How generous. 

While I should be watching my weight as I will be squeezing into an itty-bitty dress in a mere matter of weeks, I'm not. I felt no guilt in stopping at Trader Joe's to pick up a chunk of Triple Cream Cambozola cheese, a bottle of sparkling pink Moscato and avocados to make a big bowl of guacamole while I throw chips at the television during this weekend's Academy Award ceremony. 

Bon week-end à tous!

17 comments:

  1. Good thing that you didn't bullshit Big Red into thinking that you were Yasmin! She would have had you doing stomach crunches on the terrace of Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf and you would have thought it was all part of your audition!

    And just to let you know, we had a bit of sunshine in Paris this afternoon. It felt like Spring! I even had ice-cream. :)

    Have a wonderful weekend!

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    1. Good thing that I didn't lie and tell her I was Yasmine! Big Red felt really uncomfortable when the real Yasmine walked in. I think she's been in Hollywood too long! Her concept of overweight is slightly skewed.

      Seb told me that the weather has been warmed. He's taking the Vespa out of the garage in two weeks for Spring!

      Have a nice weekend too!

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  2. You're such a witty writer that I laughed through most of this post, but ended up quite shocked and I really feel for you. That dress-size tyranny is a hard one to live under! Not a nice way to finish your trip and I hope you don't let it make you feel bad for long. GM x

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    1. Thank you for your comment!

      I took Big Red's mistake with a grain of salt. It was really funny.

      It didn't get me down, not to worry! It didn't stop me from getting stocked up on weekend goodies of cheese, wine, chips and avocados!

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  3. Aw I know how you feel. A while back I was going back to work from lunch and I was getting on an elevator with a woman whose girlfriend had just given birth. She was super excited telling me how happy she was and I congratulated her etc....then she asked me "so are you going into labor soon?" Before I could say anything she answered herself and said " oh nevermind you work here. " I know I am a few pounds overweight but damn lets not exaggerate lol.

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    1. Oh no!!! I'm so sorry! What a stupid lady! And her trying to cover it up with "oh, you work here"...lame!

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  4. Oh God! LOL! Forget about a movie career and start looking for a literary agent! You have a series of books just waiting to happen!:) Remember: if there's Paris in the title, it sells!:) I bet you could find enough good stuff to fill your first book during your next fashion week!:)

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    1. Thank you, Duchess. :)

      I blush when you write me comments like these.

      I can't wait for FW! It will most certainly provide me with enough stories. It always does.

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  5. Dumbass woman. I know who you are and you're gorge! AND, eat all the avocados you can. It's good fat not that bad kind! Enjoy the Academy Awards. I'm jealous you get to watch them.

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    1. She meant no harm! Like I told MK, I think she's just been in Hollywood too long and has a warped idea of what a post-preggos woman looks like..? I hope..?

      I fly out the day after the Awards, I wonder who I will sit next to on the plane! A few years ago, I flew out of LA after the Golden Globes and sat next to Tracy Morgan. That was entertaining..to say the least. I'll tell you about it over wine when I get back!

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  6. Agreed with Duchesse! Great post, Ella! Nevertheless, I'm pretty sure you are FAR from fat, haggard, and whatever other adjectives Yasmine used to describe herself. Life was meant to be lived to fullest and cheese, wine, and bread are the main reasons for living! :-)

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    1. Thanks Sue!!

      I will live life to the fullest. I tried to cut wine and cheese from my diet and lasted only 2 days. I just can't do it, mostly because I don't want to! :)

      Thanks again for your supportive comments. :)

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  7. Hello there, hi, howdy.
    I'm Olivia. I'm sixteen, my father's side of the family are all from France, which I will be doing a return trip to fabulous paris that makes my heart flutter at it's brilliance. All of this mixed with your intelligent witty way of jotting down your life makes this blog the perfect daily dose of interesting.

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    1. Hi Olivia,

      Thank you so much for your sweet comment!

      Enjoy your trip to Paris. How lucky you are to experience such a wonderful place at your age! It took me until my 20s to make it over to Europe.

      Since you're 16, I'll have to watch what I write, I don't want your parents to get mad at me! :)

      Thank you again!

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  8. Glad you took it with a grain of salt! I'm sure she just thought the woman was exaggerating - how many women do you know who go on about how fat they are when they're a size 36 or whatever? I thought France was bad on the weight thing, but could LA be even worse?? PS Fashion Week, how exciting!

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    1. I thought it was really funny actually. How could I take it personally?! You know?

      LA is awful with the weight thing. Even the men are on board! That's when it gets annoying! I didn't enjoy dating in LA for this very reason. Some of the guys act like little bitches about their weight!

      Are you in Paris now?

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    2. Back at work. booo! :)

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