Day 278: Gossip Has a Passport.

Just as I was opening a bottle of red to relax on a quiet Saturday evening at home, my cell phone rang. It was my mother - who never calls on Saturdays. When she's not traveling, Saturday is her spa day where she spends the day primping and relaxing while watching Law and Order: Criminal Intent. Really, "spa day" is just her excuse to drink Pinot Grigio in the afternoon guilt-free but in any event, I seldom hear from her on a Saturday afternoon, New York time.

She calls my cell phone through Skype and after I pick up, it usually takes her about ten seconds to realize that I had picked up. "Hello! Hello! Ella! Hello!" can be heard barking on the other end as she screams into the wrong part of her computer. I have showed her several times where the mic is but clearly she never listens. "I'm here!" I scream into my phone, "Ma!!!". Once she realizes that we have made contact, her voice goes from barking Long Island Italian mother to sweet and concerned mother - for a second. "Oh hi sweetie, it's Mom," she says. "I know, hi," I say, at this point just wanting move past introductions.

"Well, I heard some gossip today at the shopping centa," she said with a hushed tone. I swear I could hear her eyes look left and then right to see if anyone was listening. This reminds me of the time that she called me 1 am Paris time to tell me that she bumped into Tina Fosserelli at Rite Aid and thought that her baby was ugly. After she spit out her confession, I spent the next fifteen minutes on the phone assuring her that she was not a terrible person because she didn't find all children to be beautiful. So I could only imagine what she discovered on this Saturday afternoon. 

"Did you know it's MF's birthday today?" she asked with concern. Oh yeah, I guess it is, he's 35 today. It hadn't even occurred to meBefore I could indulge in memories of last year, back when I was trying to mend our relationship that was hanging by a thread with a surprise party for him, I had to stop my thoughts from wandering. "Wait, how do you know that?" I asked confused because she has a terrible memory. Did I mark it in the family calendar when I was in New York for the holidays? No, I couldn't have, that would be totally creepy and I always knew his ballpark birth date which was somewhere between the 9th and the 12th of February, so how the hell could my mother know the day he blessed the world with his presence?

"Well I'll tell you how I know," she said in her Page Six voice, "I bumped into Jessica Mossberg at Yogurt n' Such and apparently she read on Facebook that it's his birthday," she said, saying apparently as if it was allegedly his birthday. 

I forget that Jessica Mossberg is friends with MF on Facebook. She passed through Paris a few summers ago and we had taken her out to dinner at the restaurant at Palais de Tokyo. Jessica and MF both being iPhone people (I suppose like the rest of the world, sauf moi), added each other on Facebook after several mojito royales  leaving their "friendship" immortalized on social media. I forget just how many friends we still have in common.

"Well that's lovely, I hope he has a joyeux anniversaire," I said sarcastically while letting my sip of Bourgogne slide down my throat. "Well the word on the street is that his new girlfriend threw him," she waited for a dramatic pause, "a surprise party last night," she said as if this was the hottest news to breeze through Nassau County, "What a whore, she copied you!" she exploded. My mother has such a skillful way with words.

"Mom, she's not a whore because she threw him a surprise party," I said defending someone that I didn't know, "She and I are just both terribly unoriginal." So he got another surprise party? This detail did sort of annoy me, he didn't deserve another one because he's been such an ass this year and is probably still acting like an ungrateful little bitch to this poor girl who took the time to throw him a celebration. I hope I'm wrong, I just remember how I was treated last year.

"Mom," I asked exasperated, "Is this why you called? To tell me what's happening with MF, fresh off the Long Island gossip mill?" "No," she said defensively and desperately searching for something else to say, "I also thought you'd like to know that Charlotte is also wearing her Valentine's Day colla, the one with the red rhinestones and bell," she said trying to sound convincing, "She looks gorgeous!" I had to admit that it was a good subject change because I'm sure Charlotte looked adorably festive and ready for Valentine's Day with her blinged out little collar. 

Not wanting to hear any more news and wanting to watch 90s classic Great Expectations, I rushed off the phone by lying and saying that I was heading out for the night. After hanging up, I took a deep breath, looked out on to the rooftops of Paris through my tiny window and sipped on my wine. So there you have it, MF gossip traveling from Paris to the supermarkets of Long Island back to Paris. This what I get for staying in on a Saturday night.


  1. There's no escaping that moron, is there? He's the "gift" that keeps on giving... like herpes...

    Et c'est signé : langue sale;)

    1. Yeah, I think this is the last of the news for a while.

      It all still makes me so sad, especially this month since it's the "anniversary" of the break-up. I'm ashamed to say it but I have been melancholy these days...

      Perhaps it's just winter blues. : )

    2. I think your reaction is normal. You're mourning the life you thought you could get with him and the kind of guy you thought he could be.

  2. Interesting cultural difference - Your mom needs to move to Paris where she'll never feel guilty about drinking wine on a Saturday afternoon! When I had lunch with the unknown friend of a friend the other day, she said that she's always hesitant to order wine at lunch because newly arrived Americans think that she's a lush. I can't imagine that thought crossing a French person's mind in the same situation.

    Thanks for mentioning "Great Expectations"! I've been trying to think of another BBC show to watch now that I've finished Downton Abbey. :(

    1. Drinking during the day certainly has a stigma in the States for being on the wild side. I found this to be especially true in LA, the land of the lunchtime Arnold Palmer.

      Saying that, I recently ordered a glass of red at 12:30 and the French person who I was with made a comment that it was so early. I was shocked...and then felt dumb until my third sip kicked in, and then I didn't care at all.

      "Great Expectations" is fantastic! The soundtrack defined my late 90s life. What kind of music do you like, MK?

  3. This story is so funny. I love when parents have gossip. Mine are always so eager to tell it to me. Amazing. Plus, let's talk about Great Expectations. Only the best movie/soundtrack of all time. The Kissing in the Rain song? Got me every time.

    1. Yesssssss...that scene when he takes her out of the Chinese restaurant to "dance". So good.

      I always tried to be as elusive as Estella with guys but could never pull it off. I talk too much. : )