Day 160: Shock A Parisian.

Because I have been working part-time, I have a few days off during the week that allows me to go to the gym during the day and beat the after work crowd. Yesterday was a brisk and sunny day and I was off to an afternoon butt and thigh tone-up class that was being taught by the bad-ass instructor Amina. Amina, who reminds me of someone in between Kelis and Dawn from En Vogue, has the most solid, toned pair of legs I have ever seen. She shows them off by wearing tiny shorts that display her ferocious lion tattoo that roars on her upper thigh. She is my inspiration for going to the class but between you, me and the lamppost (as my grandmother says when she wants to gossip), my legs will never look like that. The truth being that I'm too lazy and drink too much wine. 

While Amina is definitely fierce and fabulous, I'm also scared of her and try to not to wimp out when she has us in a squat that hovers a mere 2 inches above the ground for 4 minutes straight. I normally can't walk for about a day after an Amina class.

Taking longer than usual to haul myself out of my apartment, I got to the gym about a minute late and saw that the class had already started and the students were lying on their mats stretching with their legs up in the air and spread apart. There was no sign of Amina whom I assumed was in the 'back' changing the music so I quickly grabbed a mat and set myself down next to the other students and joined them in the inner thigh stretch. 

As it turned out, I actually joined the last few minutes of the class before that was running over schedule and suddenly from the backroom Antoine emerged. Merde! I haven't seen him since our last sleazy incident and here we were reunited where from his point of view, I had magically appeared in his class and was posing spread eagle. Great.

"America can't wait to move her body," he said with his hands on his hips and a warm smile, "The next class is starting in 5 minutes, ma belle." The rest of class chuckled, I meekly apologized and me and my little mat went to wait on the benches by the door. 

Three minutes later, the class had ended and I took my spot again and tried to look athletic by stretching with a serious look on my face. I normally take Antoine's hyper-aerobics class where there are about 35 people to blend in with but today it was just 5 of us where I could feel another episode looming. Normally, these booty classes are taught by women. And rightfully so. Where's Amina when you need her?

During class, Antoine, whose eyes sparkle like La Côte d'Azur in August couldn't resist 'adjusting' me during each exercise as I was in compromising positions wearing my embarrassing bottom-of-the-barrel pink sweatpants that say 'Juicy' on the butt. I tried my best to mirror him in order to prevent him from coming over to 'help' but apparently I wasn't doing anything right because he was all up in my business. His touch on my hips was giving me visible goosebumps and made the hair on my neck stand up which he had noticed. Damn him. "Vous avez froid?" he asked wanting to know if I was cold as he positioned himself behind me while I was on all fours. No one in the class seemed to blink an eye over our offensive position and the fact that if we were naked we could easily be having sex. Mortified, I started laughing out of nervousness and kept saying 'ok, c'est bon' as a hint to shoo him away. Seriously, it's fine, I'd rather do it wrong. And to answer his question, no I wasn't cold, I was the exact opposite. 

His charm is so annoying because every time I leave his class, I feel like I just cheated on my boyfriend who by the way gets a kick out of the Antoine stories. "Horny French!" he always exclaims when I share my tales from the gym. I'm glad he is more entertained than I am while I feel like the American guinea pig who is being tested on how much vulgarity she can take.

The next time I see him, I am going to do the unspoken. Something deemed as direct by French standards. Something so unheard of that would make any Parisian gasp in shock and horror. I'm going to give him a good old fashioned American hug, like one of those tight bear hugs that can linger on for a minute or two and pull him out of his comfort zone a bit! See how he likes it. 

Bon week-end tout le monde!


  1. Hi, I've been having a bit of a look at some of your old posts (while I'm meant to be getting ready to go out - priorities...) and just had to say your whole getting robbed drama struck such a chord! I don't know if you have looked at any of my old posts, but in late June I found out my roommate hadn't been paying her part of the rent for a year and had quit her job (I knew that bit) and been secretly living off MY half of the rent while laying in bed for six months while I got up and went to work every day like a chump. Drama! Eviction! Kind of like your story but with way less awesome clothes! Sorry you had to go through all that shit, but I have to say it was kind of comforting to read about someone else's horror story, especially since you had a semi-happy ending getting most of your stuff back. :)

  2. @Gwan - It was a nightmare!! But I suppose it's over. Quelle pute!

    Where is your shady, shady roommate now? That's sad that she didn't get up to find a job and that you were living with her and not knowing that your fucking rent wasn't being paid! Did she think it wouldn't 'come up' w/ your landlord? I hope your credit didn't get messed up!

  3. Quelle pute indeed!

    I don't know where she is, I'm trying to avoid all contact with her. I don't know what she was thinking, I'm just stunned that apparently in France you can not pay the rent for *an entire year* before anyone does anything about it! Luckily I was subletting (i.e. giving my money to her, I wasn't on the lease, which on the downside is how she managed to steal my half of the rent money, but on the upside my name wasn't involved in any legal stuff and she also signed something saying I had no idea this was going on). But yeah, screwed me over financially *a lot* having to find a new place on short notice and all the rest of it. Not to mention the shock of finding out a "friend" would do that to me.

    Anyway, hope my comment didn't come off as bitchily revelling in your misfortunes, I was retrospectively a bit worried!

  4. Bonjour! I discovered your blog tonight, lets just say I haven't left the laptop yet. I am also an etranger living in France and enjoying the weird and wonderful moments of the french!

    Emma x