Day 83: Expect the Unexpected.

Illustration by Trumpetvine

After my morning jog on the beach, I headed back to the villa to have lunch with my grandparents. I walked in and enjoyed the cool blast of air conditioner that contrasted the blazing 100 degree heat that I was previously exercising in. I quickly rinsed off, slipped on a sundress and helped set the table with my grandfather whose duties went from helping to singing and twisting in slow motion with the pepper shaker. My grandma set a steaming dish of her creamy mushroom risotto on the table and issued portions out. My grandmother brought up the topic of Aurélien. She was curious about the new gentleman who contacted me last night and wanted to know if we were talking dirty. My family always thinks I'm talking dirty when I speak French. I filled my grandmother in on surface details about Aurélien and added that since it was so new, it was too soon to tell and didn't want to offer too much. 

Ignoring my vague answer, she then asked me if I had been intimate with him. Not one to be terribly shy when it comes to forward questions but chose not to sit this one out because I'd get a lecture either way I went. I'd be accused of being too easy if I said yes or accused of not being modern and following the times by not putting out, if I said no. So in my family, saying nothing is always the best option. She didn't seem to notice my non-response because before I knew it she was sharing with me that she has only gone down on my Grandfather four times. She didn't enjoy offering that 'service' because it made her gag which posed a problem because my grandfather 'just loves it'. Oh come on! I swear, I am being tortured for this free vacation. If I am not being criticized for my off-beat life choices, I am hearing about my Grandparent's oral sex life. My grandfather who doesn't hear very well just looked over and me and nodded his head in agreement. I slowly moved my dish of risotto away from me.

After lunch and wanting to shake off my grandmother's over-share, I walked down to the beach after stopping at the pool bar for a 'Goombay Smash'; a fruity concoction of coconut rum, triple sec, pineapple juice and a splash of the official soda of The Bahamas, Goombay Punch. I was definitely getting Goombay Smashed because I saw nothing wrong in rolling around in the sand with the waves crashing on to me imagining myself as the little mer-creature in Madonna's 'Cherish' video. Families were looking at me but being deep in my Goombay haze and I didn't care until I felt an overwhelming stinging sensation. On my right boob. I got stung by a jellyfish on my boob! The stinging was excruciating as my right boob was throbbing from the sting. I ran up to the villa to do - I don't know what- but anything was better than feeling the salt sting my boob more or the little kid building a sand castle pointing and laughing at the lady screaming and holding her breast. 

Upon, entering the villa, in a frenzy, my grandmother handed me a cup and shoved me in the bathroom. "Urine will take the sting away! No one is looking! Here! Do it in here!" In the bathroom, I took my bikini top off to reveal a red, swollen and a cup size larger than the left. He could've at least gone for both tatas. I didn't urinate on myself per my grandmother's instructions and just let the pain subside. The Goombay smash helped. Once, I was back to functioning with hands off my right breast, I used the free hand to call Kitty who was working in her office in New York and who didn't feel a drop sorry for me. At all. "You're drunk off of something called a Goombay Smash, I'm sure your tan is sick, and you're somewhere called Paradise. Getting stung is a casualty. Deal with it." Click. Thanks, Kitty.

Every day is a surprise here in Paradise where I don't know what's going to happen or what piece of information will be thrown my way but that's what makes each day more interesting than the next. This was supposed to be a quiet vacation of reflection and healing but I guess you can't plan everything, so senior citizen bjs and horny jellyfish will have to do.  

Bonnes vacances.

1 comment:

  1. You should have your own sitcom. I'd watch everyday, seriously.