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Day 14.5: Accept the Silence.


Illustration by Angel.Ge

Friday nights...sigh. Fridays nights have been tough during this transition into singlehood. Me, being someone who goes against the grain of common twenty-something rituals of going out, Friday night has always been my favorite night to stay in to répose, take a bath, watch a movie and have a quiet dinner with a few glasses of wine, and for the past few years I have had a partner who shared the same Friday night interests as me. 

Friday night was the night we declined party and dinner invites from friends as it was our night to unwind from a busy week - together.

Coming back to the present, my painful reality is that my boss let me go early when the office was practically a ghost town by 4 pm. My co-workers were taking weekend trips to Germany, had friends coming in from out of town, or dinner parties to rush home to plan for, and I had a hot date at the gym or a lonely night at home. 

For the first time in my life, I didn't want to be let me go early because I was dreading the silence that was ahead of me. Knowing this, I stopped at the English bookstore, WH Smith, and treated myself to the company of Colette, Anais Nin and a fun chick-lit book that practically read my story back to me, making me feel like less of a loser and relationship failure. 

With the sun now setting at 10:00 pm, the days seem irritatingly endless and coming home at 6 pm after a long day, the sun still shines cheerfully through my windows as if it was mid-afternoon. I could've and probably should've gone to the gym to release endorphins but I opted to crawl in to bed, my  safe place and stare out the window. I was only aware of the time that was passing by the bells from the nearby church that struck on the hour...every hour.

These days I am focusing on action and advancement but tonight I couldn't avoid acknowledging the stillness and sadness of the evening and of my life. I must recognize the quiet time, albeit sad, it's necessary during this evolution into the next phase of my life. 

I get it...I need to be alone right now, but why does it have to feel so empty?

4 comments:

  1. The day that you start relishing your freedom instead of seeing it as a burden, you'll feel really strong and empowered. It can take a while, but oh... the rewards!:) I'm glad that you've elected not to run away from the experience by rushing into another relationship right away like most people do. I find that things will usually blow in your face repeatedly until you've learned the lessons you were meant to.

    My down time was always on Saturday evenings. I'd go out on Fridays to be in the thick of things, then I'd keep busy all day Saturday and treat myself to a quiet Saturday night in. I find that when I was going through a difficult breakup abroad, the toughest hours were always between 6 and 9 pm... At 9 pm, the anguish and loneliness would somewhat vanish because for me, the evening was over... Knowing that, I got busy during those three hours and I was fine:)

    Think of just how strong you'll be and how easy things will seem when you go back home.

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  2. Thanks Duchesse for all of your comments, they are very encouraging!

    i have my rough days and my strong days. Lat night was some down time to reflect. And I'm definitely jumping into a relationship, the idea sounds awful! Light dating, yes...serious relationship? yikes!

    I won't be going back home until Xmas but home isn't even home anymore. Paris has become home..If I can help it, I will stay here for another 10 years. Paris is the only thing keeping me sane these days. This place really is magical. Et merci pour vos commentaires! ça compte beaucoup pour moi!

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  3. I can totally understand you're feeling at home in Paris... I consider the city my spiritual home even though I've never actually lived there... but I've visited 10 times and am going back for more!:) How long have you been living in the City of Light?

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  4. I have lived here for almost 2 years and hope to stay. : )

    Its a magical place! I hope you have a nice visit when you come back, its good that you speak French, it adds to the experience!!

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