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Day 183: Make An Entrance.


Illustration by Garance Doré

Weddings have certainly evolved over the past fifteen years where the simple concept of dinner and dancing is deemed too casual. Invitations are now detailed with satin, cut-velvet and lace and could compete with interior decorating, limos are replaced with Bentleys and party buses, the food options are so abundant that you have already eaten four courses before your appetizer even arrives and entrances are more than just walking in and saying hello with a smile and wave, they're now an experience.

After an afternoon of mimosas and primping with Kitty and the other bridesmaids, staged photos, the mass, the party bus to the banquet hall in Brooklyn and cocktail hour, the reception was finally starting. By this point, I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was to sit down for ten minutes with a tall glass of cool water to regain some energy. 

I tried to sneak away to the banquet room with the other guests to fulfill my dream when I was stopped by a man whom I learned was the MC that used my bridesmaids dress as a tracking device to instruct me to line up with the rest of the bridal party for something called introductions. Introductions, I forgot that this is a staple in New York weddings where the MC introduces each member of the bridal party to the other guests like we're on a game show. I hate this tradition. I hate it not because I have problem being introduced to a crowd of strangers, I just have a sneaking suspicion that no one cares who I am and I can imagine that the forced merriment only makes it worse. The guests are there for the bride, groom and the booze - not the bridal party, a concept that the other self-centered bridesmaids who had two make-up trials and hair consultations done before the wedding were unable to grasp. I took evil pleasure seeing their faces call when reminding them that only the bride would be getting attention on her day.

My groomsman, who overall was a nice guy asked me what we were doing for our grand entrance. What were we doing? What did he mean? What more was there to do than walk out? "When we go out and have the MC announce us, what are we going to do?" he asked me again. "I don't understand the question." I honestly answered. It was true, I didn't understand what he was asking of me. I thought it was simple, we're announced, we go out, smile, add a few claps and proceed to our table, right? Apparently not.

As I was explaining my ration to my partner or the fact that I was unaware that we were supposed to provide entertainment, I looked around and saw that the other bridesmaids were rehearsing their entrance bits with their partners. Some girls were being twirled by their partners, another was wearing her partners tie while he was wearing her necklace while he fist-pumped around her in a circle, one girl had climbed on to the back of her partner while swinging an imaginary lasso, another couple was practicing the fox trot and I swear I heard someone say the word cartwheel. Seriously. I looked at my partner who was clearly disappointed that he got stuck with me; the dud bridesmaid who was useless to the bridal party.

"Ok, let me make this simple," he said trying desperately to get me to understand, "The last girl I did introductions with walked out alone like she was a supermodel and stood in front of the guests with her hip cocked out with her hand rested on it, then I came out, she saw me and smacked me in the face," he continued with heightened glee, "So I walked away like I was defeated and then at the last minute, I turned around on my heels, ran and belly flopped on the floor, through her legs and her dress and started palpitating on the floor while she stepped over me! It was awesome!" So he wanted me to reject him, assault him and ignore him as he appeared to be going into cardiac arrest in front of the entire reception hall at my best friend's wedding? "I'm not doing that." I said dryly.

I started to feel bad and wanted to be an enthusiastic participant in Kitty's wedding, I came up with a compromise that I thought my partner would appreciate. Really. "Let's go out like flesh-eating zombies and pretend that you haven't eaten a victim in weeks and attack me and then we'll bust into the Thriller dance!" I said with feigned excitement trying to meet him at his level. I even included the signature Thriller dance move (you know which one I'm talking about). He looked at me as if I had asked him to go out there and pull my tampon out with his teeth in front of everyone. "Why would we do that?" he asked me with his head tilted to the side in confusion. Clearly we weren't on the same page. I can't believe Kitty tried to set me up with this guy two years ago, he was kind of a jerk.

Due to our lack of compromise and comprehension, our entrance consisted of my partner wearing sunglasses, solo-moshing and head-banging while he held my hand which in turn had me flailing around the dance floor as I tried to look like I was having the time of my life but really looked like a confused bitch. Why couldn't we just go out there, smile and clap? What was so wrong with that? Are weddings so over the top now that even walking into a room happily isn't enough and is considered old-fashioned and dull? Or maybe I'm old-fashioned and dull? I don't know anymore.

"Yo, that French girl is weird." I overheard the groomsman's friend say to him as I walked by during coffee hour. This made me chuckle. Clearly this was coming out of the mouth of someone who has never been to France. While I can admit to being a weirdo, anyone who knows French culture would know that I am light years away from being a French girl and would have appreciated if he left France out of his insult that was directed towards me. France gets enough slack.

I'm happy to say that the first wave of important weddings are now over and it's officially the holidays. I'm going back to bed now. Weddings are exhausting and I'm not sure if I will commit to flying home from Paris again for another wedding. Wake me in 2012?

10 comments:

  1. Ugh, I hate the presentation tradition. So awkward, and you're right--people are only there for the bride, groom, and booze! So why do I have to make a fool of myself? Loved your zombie idea, though! :)

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  2. @Meredith - So this exists in Texas too? I hate this tradition so much. I feel so cheesy.

    I'm glad you liked my zombie idea! Thanks! Unfortunately my partner didn't like it. I thought it would have been cute, if done right. But hey...I'm just the weird girl from Paris!

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  3. Oh my lord, that is literally insane! Sure it wasn't all an elaborate ploy to look up your dress (if you agreed to the rejecting-flopping-stepping over bit)? Here's hoping that's a tradition that doesn't make it out of the US!

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  4. I can't tell you how much this post cheered me up this morning! Here I've been moping around since Friday because my 23 year old daughter and the guy who we thought was "the one" just ended their relationship. Now I'm feeling a huge sense of relief that there isn't an American wedding in our immediate future.

    And kudos for getting into the spirit of things and suggesting the flesh-eating zombie simulation! I would have loved to have seen that.

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  5. @Gwan - Isn't it crazy?!?! I like to think I'm open-minded but this was too much...even for me! I was just as shocked as you are!

    @MK - Oh no. How is she doing? Is she in Paris or in The States? The first week of a break-up is the worst and it's hard for the mothers too. I remember my mom had many trips to Paris during the first few months of my break-up and she wanted to pack my apt. up and bring me back to NY because it was breaking her heart to see me like that. It's just as hard for you moms as it is for us. I'm sorry to hear this and I'm glad I cheered you up!

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  6. Sorry, I didn't mean to bring my problems over to your blog. Your sense of humor and your way of looking at things always make me smile...and this post was an extra good one!

    My daughter's alright. She's in Boston but will be "home" for a couple of days over Thanksgiving. I've already scheduled a massage for her etc, so she'll be thoroughly spoiled.

    Enjoy the rest of your time in the States!

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  7. @MK - It's no problem at all. : ) I really hope your daughter is doing ok. If anyone understands how painful break-ups are, it's me! (Hence the blog!) Your T-gives weekend sounds amazing! You're an awesome Mom!!!

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  8. This is hilarious Ella! What a story! Ditto the whole 'having to top everything' mentality. My parents re-married and I remember the DJ lining us up (I was the maid-of-honor, too- ugh) for the 'entrance'. Luckily me nor my bro's have never experiences this so we just walked out waving or whatever. Didn't realize how lucky I was! The owrst part was that, after that, we had to 'give a speech' to our parents in front of everyone on the microphone. I was thinking, okay, short and sweet, I'm just gonna' say 'congrats'.. but my bro before me said 'Congrats'.. so I ..ughh.. I ended up being so awkward. Ughh, Long Island weddings! Long Island life! Way too showy. I know why I'm in France...

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  9. P.S. Someone called you "French girl" LMAO. Yes of course you were the weird one. You were possibly the one chick who wasn't an attention whore. Like omg totally bizarre.

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  10. @Dana - ahahahaha! Crazy, right? i stuck out like a sore thumb,which was funny because I was wearing a bridesmaids dress! Wedding season is officially over!

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